I wouldn't wish this process on anyone. Its a terrible feeling to be homeless. I am a creature with out habitat. My ecosystem has been removed and I am restless. There has been alot of time spent in my car. Not just driving the extended commute, but also taking naps and eating. Where do YOU eat your drive through? At home? At work? And when you have about 2 hours to kill, what do YOU do?

They are now at work rebuilding the house. It seems like eternity since I lived there. What was at first estimated to be a month long rebuild has now turned into 2 months. There were a few setbacks involving insurance and contractors. There was a 2 week stalemate where no work was done at all. However with that behind us I am hoping that we will pick up speed and will get done ahead of schedule.

I went to check progress and they are hanging drywall. It looks like all of the ceiling has been hung and they are working on the walls. Next will be to mud and tape and then to blow insulation in the attic. I asked them to move a few light fixtures and they were able to do that quite easily since there were just bare rafters above.

When I go to check on the I am there for just minutes. The place that I love and I don't like to be there. Everything has been packed up and moved out to a storage unit in Jefferson City. It has proved to be quite an inconvenience. The weather has turned cold and we have no warm clothes. I don't have the charger for my camera, No heels for fancy outings, No spare car keys, and the list goes on.

Mike has moved over to his parents house. He doesn't sleep well anyway, let alone on an air mattress. His parents still live in the house he grew up in and he feels safe there. He now has access to all of the sports channels and his mom packs his lunch for him everyday in a superman lunch box. It's a comforting feeling to be with your mom and dad- I don't blame him. I am with my mom and my fur children and that seems to work for me. I miss Mike terribly. We schedule dates to see each other. We go out together more now than we ever have. But the dates are short and when they end we leave to go to separate houses. And every time I cry. He is my best friend and I miss him.

Mike's boss layed him off work. This was additional stress we definitely didn't need. When I called my friend Carrie she said, "what kind of shit storm are you in?" However, after a couple days of despair, his boss decided to come to his senses and keep Mike on staff.

I could care less about Halloween this year. I had bought new Halloween decorations at the end of the season last year. I'm sure they didn't survive the flooding. There will be no Halloween lights, no candy bowls, no carved pumpkins, and no trick-or-treaters. We never had that many trick-or-treaters, but those 2 or 3 made a killing on candy.

I find the fall weather comforting. Fall marks a passing of time and that is exactly what I'm looking for. The changing leaves are beautiful. I've been driving the back roads to my moms house at night just to see the trees. It's just more time to spend in the car.

A glimmer of hope

Act II

I took the week off work. It looks like I need to be ready to battle and I can't do it with all of the stuff happening at work. They pile too much of their stress on me, usually I can deal with it but I was close to breaking at this point.

The rest of Sunday was a blur. We went to my Mom's house and I took a super hot shower. I smelled like musty clothes and I was still partially frozen. We decided we would live at My parents house in their basement. They have an extra bedroom and bathroom next to their family room. They are also a pet friendly space. I was not about to leave my fur babies.

No one knew quite where to sleep. I took the full size bed, Mike the recliner, Gus next to me and Wally inside the cabinet. This configuration changed several times in the night, and I don't think anyone slept much.

Monday was a new day. Mike and I met with the claims adjuster around 1. I got there first and the Aerodry people were already hard at work. They had cut out the carpet in the back living room, pulled out the whole ceiling, and piled all of the furniture in a heap. They had big blowers everywhere and the whole sight caught me really off guard. It was no longer my house.

I cried. Tears and tears. Mike and the adjuster soon came. We went room to room and pointed out the damage. It wasn't any better the morning after. Emotions were still really raw. Or at least mine were. It mad me sick at my stomach and frankly just seeing all of my stuff ruined made me angry all over again. I'm not the best at expressing my emotions, so I think it came out through smart ass comments.

Towards the end my Insurance agent came and introduced herself. The whole meeting boiled down to that my insurance will cover everything. What a relief, huh? Since we were in the middle of putting a roof on, we would have to continue the roof out of our pocket. We figured that was the case, and this point it was a small price to pay. My adjuster said that they would go after the roofer and get their money from him.

Called my mom and I went to Wal-mart. I bought the nicest air mattress they had to offer. Now we can all sleep together like one big refugee family.

Next I called Biggins. Told him we needed a roof and we needed it pronto. He called me back and said, "no problem". Again, what a relief, huh?

I don't even remember the rest of Monday. Tuesday, more of the same. Go to the house and Aerodry had done more work. Shannon and the roofers were hard at work. They were able to use the remaining supplies for work that day. They finished all of the sheeting and tar papered everything. They accomplished more in one day than the other roofer did in a whole week. Went to the Blue Beagle for a little relaxation. Back to moms house, ate Katie's home made pasta salad, and then to bed.

Wednesday I woke up early to meet Biggins at Lowe's at 7:15 AM. I had been awake since 4 so this wasn't a big deal. Lanny met me up there. He is always excited for a trip to Lowe's. It's not that I don't like Lowe's, but it always seems to cost me a fortune every time I go. This trip was not a cheap one, but it included my shingles. 30 year architectural baby!

Left from Lowe's went to Jen's for a quick bathroom visit. (thanks jen) Went to my house and everything was packed in boxes. Its like being evicted and no one told you. I knew there would be packing, I knew things had to be moved, It just caught me off guard to see it. It's unnerving to think that strangers went through your stuff while you weren't there.

It's all been very chaotic. Most of it is a whirlwind of meetings with adjusters, roofers, contractors, and being available for questions. My phone has rang non-stop and I'm wore out. Looks like I will be the proud owner of new ceilings, new flooring in every room, new walls, new paint, and some new furniture. Some of the stuff I was itching to replace anyway. Looks like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is just the hard way to go about it. Aerodry is estimating about a month before I can live in my house again. I know we will survive a month but it seems like forever.

I'm really sad that I won't be able to put up my Halloween decorations. Honestly, I don't even know if my Halloween and Christmas stuff even survived the basement flooding.

Its raining men

Act I

My roof was in poor shape. Occasionally I had a trickle of water in the window trim in the front living room. I talked to my step dad about patching it and he recommended a whole new roof. When we bought the house the inspector warned us that the roof only had a few years left in it. It was already double layered and it would need to be stripped and started over.

My parents graciously offered to buy us a new roof as a gift. This gift would account for a years worth of presents for us and we were ok with that. They would take care of the whole sh-bang. My step dad complied bids from all the roofers he could find. When it was all said and done he decided on a roofer by the name of Gatten. His bid was right in the middle of all of them and he seemed knowledgeable.

Thursday, my step dad met with him and gave him a check. The check was a deposit and would go toward supplies. The following morning there were 2 guys on my roof striping shingles off. I was really excited to see them so soon. They worked for maybe 2 hours and left. Next day same thing. Sunday, no work. Monday through Friday same story. Just a couple hours of work a day. They had stripped off all of the shingles and almost all of the sheeting. They had replaced SOME of the sheeting but it was mostly just open roof. Just rafters.

Saturday it was REALLY starting to get cloudy. My neighbor came over and expressed concern of the upcoming storm. I agreed and called my family and told them to contact the roofer. The roofer assured us that the roof was adequately covered. My family drove from St. James to Rolla to double check, and there was absolutely NO covering up there what so-ever. They placed a second phone call and he said he was on his way over to put more plastic on it.

Mike and I had previous engagements. I went with Jennifer over to a sick friends house and Mike and his buddies went out to a friends for a bonfire. Then- it started to rain. And rain. I was certain that everything was dry and ok.

I got back home around midnight. Jennifer came inside with me. When I opened the door I was hit with a wall of water. Every room got worse. Water was pouring in. Not dripping, pouring. I'm not sure if hysterical is the right word. But let me just say that I was frantic. I started calling everyone I knew. The first person I got ahold of was my brother in law, Bob. He was first on the scene.

I called my parents house over and over until someone answered. Mom said they would call the roofer and grab as many tarps as they could find. Next person to arrive was Allen. And the the roofer. They scaled up on to the roof in the middle of the storm and layed tarps out. It was pouring and the lightening flashed. My parents soon followed. I grabbed anything I could get ahold of that would hold water. Trashcans, totes, bowls, buckets, and all of my towels and blanket were sprawled out. We were still taking on alot of water and there was no end in sight. Jennifer kept calling Mike and all the guys out at the bonfire, still no answer.

The time is all a blur, but soon Mike showed up. He knew exactly what was going on when he pulled up. He jumped out of his truck at a dead run. He made a bee line toward the roofer and I started yelling, " Don't put your hands on him, Don't touch him!!!" Mikes eyes were glazed over with rage and I wasn't completely sure if I could snap him out of it before he broke the roofer in half. Other friends flew over and before long there was a whole army of friends and family to lay a patchwork of assorted tarps on our roof. However, the damage was done.

Those of use on the inside ran from tote to tote dumping water and placing towels. We unplugged everything we could and pulled all the furniture away from the wall and water. Water was pouring out of the fuse box, so there was no way I could just flip the breaker. We flipped the bed up on its side to avoid more water and started moving the TVs. Jennifer took down the shower curtain and threw it over Mikes big screen. She also grabbed my camera and took pictures of the occurring damage while I called the 1 800 number for my insurance.

Meanwhile, outside the roofer was getting a vicious butt chewing. Mike gave him an hour long verbal beating. I didn't get to hear the whole thing, but what I did hear was wonderful. What flowed out was eloquent and well worded. Mike never raised his voice and never sweared, but he make that guy feel completely worthless and the guy confessed that he didn't have insurance.

By the time everyone cleared out it was somewhere around 4 am. Everyone was exhausted and soaked to the core. Mike and I decided to stay the night at the house in the basement. Water was just starting to seep into the ceiling in the guest bedroom. We figured we could make it until morning and no one was about to go to sleep anyway. After I put on dry clothes and finally un-thawed, I slept for maybe 2 hours. I woke up and I just knew everything would be a dream.

Gus and I sloshed through the basement and went upstairs. The ceiling in the back living room had completely fallen down and was laying in pieces. It had stopped raining at that point but it was still dripping in. My insulation was so soaked it was still draining out. All of the light fixture were full of water and I was scared to turn them on. The ceiling hadn't fallen down in the front living room and I sat there with my animals in complete dis belief. I'm not sure who was more upset, me or them. Not knowing what else to do I grabbed the phone book and started dialing. I called my insurance agent at home. No answer. Left a message for her at her office. Looked up "water damage" in the yellow pages and I came across 2 businesses.

I called the first one and I was not impressed. He spoke rather frankly and I wasn't in the mood. The next number I dialed was for AeroDry. I transferred myself to their emergency number and they were so nice to me. Turns out that they work for American Family and they provide the exact services that I was so desperately needing. He said they would load up and be on the way.

Jennifer and Thom brought over breakfast from bread company. Katie and Bob came shortly after and took our dirty laundry. Mikes dad came some time in there too. AeroDry came around 1:30 with guns a-blazin'. They were such a welcome sight. After a brief walk thought they went to work. By the time my mom arrived around 2:30 they had the back living room all picked up. Mike and I grabbed what supplies we would need for a few days and headed out. It had been an exhausting night and we needed to leave.

I will continue this story in act II

Just another night

My cat, Wally, would not get off the counter. He was going nuts. I would yell at him and set him down and He would jump right back up there and run back and forth. I listened a little closer and I could hear a scratching noise. Wally was trying to tell me that the whole time. Mike and I decided it was a bug or a mouse in our exhaust above the stove. We turned on the fan and could hear it smacking the object, satisfied that we had killed whatever it was we went to bed.

The next morning I slid open the screen to expose the exhaust fan. I slid it really slow, expecting a mouse to jump out at me. Nothing fell out and I couldn't see anything up there. I left it open. If it was a mouse or bug it had to come out so I could kill it and so it wouldn't decompose and smell like death. I left Wally inside that whole day as an assassin.

I know a lot of people don't care for cats and I'm not sure why. They are really self sufficient and entertain themselves. I rarely have to change the litter box- he would rather go outside. He is very loving and I love his little white feet.

I adopted Wally from my former landlord. He was turning into a nuisance at her home, however if I was wally, I would have slit her throat with my tiny claws. She had a huge Labrador that would pick up the cat by his head and carry him around. Later the cat would retaliate and pee on the dogs bed. They took him to the vet and had him fixed, or broken, depending on how you look at it. Wally still would destroy things. So she took him to the pound. Afterwards she came to my house crying and I caved in and told her to rescue him and I adopted him.

He immediately took to clawing the stuffin's out of my furniture especially the underside of my bed. He would chew the screens and claw the arm of my beautiful new couch. So I took him back to the vet and had him de-clawed. They shaved his little white feet and he looked so funny. Vet said not to let him jump around because it would crack the surgical glue and he would bleed. He was jumping and running the second I brought him home. He never slowed down one bit.

It's amazing how a cat can still destroy things without claws. One day he slipped outside and I was terrified that he wouldn't come home. But after about an hour he was yelling at the backdoor. I let him outside every night after that and he is waiting for food first thing in the morning. He lays on the back of the couch all day and he lets me pet his white paws. In the winter he sleeps on my cold feet. Sometimes he kills little mice and rabbits and leaves them on my back porch as presents. Love my little meow meow kitty.

I hear scratching again, this time in the living room. I tell Mike to turn down the TV and he doesn't hear it. "I really hear something", I say. He says, "Where does it sound like its coming from?" I tilt down the halogen lamp above my head. Mike very calmly says, "ok, stop. Set the lamp back up and get off the couch." I get up and I am still very confused. I knew it was a tarantula. I just knew it. Mike says, "Ok now I'm gonna need your help because there is a bat in the lamp. I saw it's face looking at me when you tilted the lamp." There was absolutely no way I was going to help in any bat removal. I put my sandals on to go get the neighbors. Mike assured me I was to play a small role in the bat process. I got a small blanket out of the closet and he threw it over the lamp. I unplugged the lamp and opened the door. He walked the lamp outside and I closed the door. Gus and I watched as the lamp fell over and the bat rolled out in the yard. It broke the lamp and I think knocked the bat slightly retarded. The bat was gone in about 20 minutes and I eventually let Mike back in the house.

The bat had snuck in through the exhaust fan. It was a bat not a mouse or bug. When we had turned on the fan to kill it we must have been beating his little pointy ears over and over and over. I realized the dust bunnies on the floor probably came from the bat flailing around in the ceiling fan. I also realized that Wally was not the trained killer I thought he was. He's a lover not a fighter.

Lewis Carrol

The Walrus and the Carpenter

"The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done --
'It's very rude of him,' she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!'
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead --
There were no birds to fly.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
'If this were only cleared away,'
They said, 'it would be grand!'
'If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?'
'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
'O Oysters, come and walk with us!'
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head --
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat --
And this was odd, because, you know,
Thay hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And think and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more --
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And the they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
"The time has come,' the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'
'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!'
'No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.
'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
'Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed --
Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'
'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue,
'After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!'
'The night is fine,' the Walrus said,
'Do you admire the view?
'It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'Cut us another slice.
I wish you were not quite so deaf --
I've had to ask you twice!'
'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread to thick!'
'I weep for you,' the Walrus said;
'I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
'O Oyster,' said the Carpenter,
'You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none --
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one."

Foghorn

When my Grandma broke her hip I think my grandpa ate nothing but Fiber 1 granola bars for a week straight. Although perfectly capable of cooking a meal or making a sandwich, he ate fiber bars. They are somewhat tasty. Not enough to eat 4 or 5 a day. Mom started bringing him subway sandwiches and left over pork steaks and that was enough to suffice until Grandma came home.
Grandpa goes to a bible based weight class on Monday nights. He lost close to 60 pounds. He does lots of manual labor and Grandma rations and cooks all of his meals. How could you not loose weight when you don't ever have to sneak in a fast food lunch and someone buys your groceries for you? Grandma quickly got him back on track and he's holding steady again.
I am making a valiant effort to loose weight. I am sick of being the fat girl. I go on weight loss sprees where I work out everyday, loose a few pounds and then fall right off the side of the wagon. This time I am certain will be different. (Or that's what I'm telling myself.)
Step one in the battle is to get moving. Last night Jennifer and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. Or 'hood as I like to call it. I'd like to say at least an hour and at least a mile. Its wonderful how a little bit of exercise makes one so empowered. Also the brief chase by a large stray dog is great motivation. If I could rewind time I would have taken a camera to capture the look on Jens face when the pit bullish dog came charging at us. Its hard to describe, but it was shear shock. Meanwhile I was calling the dog to come closer so I could read his collar. Somehow i was born without the fear of dogs. Someday I'll get a finger bit off, for now I think I'm a dog whisperer. Small children don't seem to like me but by golly animals do. Maybe I just smell like meat.
Step two is to consume less calories. For breakfast I ate a Fiber 1 bar I found in the shelf hiding among the can goods. It was fairly fresh considering it had been there for quite sometime. I had bought a box of them during the last diet kick and had only ate one or two. After breakfast I busted out some wii fit. I did a full 30 minutes and my heart was pounding pretty good. I took a shower and off to work I go.
Sometime around 3 something started happening in my stomach. A little gurgling, a little groaning, a little something. This continues for a hour or so. Next my stomach starts to fill with an overwhelming amount of air. There are not a lot of options of where this air can go. It must go out. It's not easy in my line of work to up and excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. A bathroom break must occur in-betwixt clients, (that's right I said in-betwixt) and then you have to hope someone isn't in there already fogging it up. You have to be brief and if you do something deadly, the smell will leak out on to the cutting floor, everyone will know and you will die. I've seen it happen.
As a rule of thumb Fridays are a busy day for us and today was no exception. So when my belly started to fuss a wave of panic spread over me. I wasn't quite sure if it was all bark and no bite (if you know what I mean) and I certainly wasn't going to chance it. I made a trip to the bathroom and relieved around 60 pounds of pressure. Not sure if people in the salon heard it or not. I don't know how they couldn't have. It is a natural body function everybody does it even the pope. Still embarrassing. I was starting to remember why I didn't eat the rest of the Fiber 1 bars. They should put a warning label on those things. Move them to the pharmacy section of the store right next to the ex-lax. Thank god I didn't eat two of them. No telling what that would have unleashed.
The rest of the evening I was jet propelled. Makes you cut much faster when you are close to staining your pants. Several bathroom trips occurred this evening. And now that I'm home I'm going to throw away the rest of those damn Fiber bars. I have no idea how my Grandpa was able to eat so many that week. He must have a cast iron stomach or Teflon underwear.

Once upon a time...

Not sure how many of you know this, but I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. His name is Mike and we live together with 2 wonderful furry children. Mike and I met in a sort of serendipitous way.

I spent the evening with my friend Misty, and after a long night we went back to her house. Her and I sat at her kitchen table talking and laughing for awhile. She gets a few phone calls and says a couple people are on the way over. The most important one ended up being Mike. I had never met him before but I flirted with him shamelessly all night. I sat on his lap and batted my eyes and my most sneaky move, I put my cell phone number in his phone.

Later the next day I realized he had put HIS number in my phone too. I guess he was sneaky too. Exactly one week goes by and again I find myself sitting at Misty's kitchen table. As I sat there I started to complain that alot of good it had done for me to put my number in Mike's phone. I hadn't heard anything from him. No sooner had I said it and a text popped up from Mike. He asked what my plans were for the evening and I told him we were headed to the bar as usual. He said if I met him up there he would buy me a drink. I was going there anyway so why not.

As Misty and I were on our way to "All stars" (which has long since shut down") my phone rings. It's Shannon and she asks what my plans are. I tell her I'm headed out for the evening. She says, "you know who I should introduce you to? Katie Castle's brother. He comes into Country Mart all the time. He came in today and I think you two would really hit it off." I started laughing because that was exactly who I was going to meet.

Night goes on. I drink. ALOT. By closing time I was in no shape to drive myself back to St. James. Mike offered me a place to stay at his apartment which was just up the road. He said no funny business, he would sleep on the couch and I could have his bed. I told him the only way I would stay is if he cooked me breakfast. He agreed and I jumped in his truck. His truck was filthy and there was change all over the floor. Anyway, we were off. Next morning he cooked amazing hashbrowns.

After that night we were smitten. 4 years later and I am still smitten. It's amazing that we hadn't met way before that night. He grew up in a house about 20 minutes away from mine. We had most of the same friends and hung out at most of the same places. I think the time just wasn't right for us to meet before that night.

He still has a filthy truck and I don't ask him to cook hashbrowns anymore due to my wicked heartburn. We have since bought a house and I will soon be wearing an engagement ring. YAY!

I love him, plain and simple. I love him because he is so smart. He's smarter than me, but I would never tell him that. He gets my jokes, he may not find them funny, but he gets them. He eats my cooking. I love his bald head and his big feet. I love how close he is with his family and how they welcome me with open arms. Mike is a big man who is as big hearted and sentimental as they come. I cannot imagine going through life without him. He is my Bebe and I love him. :)

Hit and Run

My beautiful bathroom has been vandalized! I went to check on the status of my new bathroom only to find something DISGUSTING in the sink. I’m not sure what it is exactly, although I believe it to be vomit! Who does this? Who vomits in a sink and runs? I have not been down there to see the bathroom in about 3 weeks and it was certainly not there before. The substance is now dried and contains large chunks. Pieces that are too large to have come up from the drain. Whatever smell might have been is long gone. I am assuming the specimen has been there about 3 weeks. I have posted pictures, so if this mess looks familiar speak up!
There are no suspects in this case. One suspected witness has been questioned and was not able to provided any information. Anyone with further information is to contact Allison immediately. Feel free to remain anonymous, all information is helpful. The substance is to be sent away for further DNA testing in hopes to lead to a future conviction.

Under the Influence

Why do people want to come in to get their haircut while they are drunk or on drugs? It would be a safe bet to say at least one person under the influence comes in each day. Why is this? What is it about a haircut that would be appealing to a person who is "trippin' balls"?

I have never done any type of drugs in my whole 25 years of existence, so I can not properly answer this question. I can say that I have friends who have dabbled in the other realm and this is what they had to say: It feels good to have your head rubbed. While I can not deny the satisfaction of having a scalp massage, this does not mean your hairstylist is a willing participant to your drug fueled head-gasm.

I double checked to make sure this wasn't purely a Rolla phenomenon. My friends who cut hair in St. Louis also have the same problems. There is one guy in particular who comes to mind, he comes in frequently. He came in one Sunday and sat in one of my stylist's chairs. He said,"I'm just so glad to be here." My stylist giggles and says, "oh yeah why is that?" He replies, "I got so messes up on 'shrooms last night you don't even know." I could go on and on with more stories. I won't but I could.

This bring me full circle back to my original question of why. All I can say is that if you DO choose to come in and get your haircut when you are drunk you run the risk of getting a bad haircut and bad service. It is no use to breathe your papst blue ribbon stench on me. I do not speak stoner, or tweaker, at best I can maybe decipher alcoholic.

On a serious note.

If you haven't heard by now, my Grandma broke her hip. Now my grandma didn't just fall like other septuagenarians do. Oh no. Grandma and Grandpa were working the cattle. They were applying ivamac to their backs and putting fly tags in their ears. Grandpa was sorting the cattle and Grandma was working the gate. A cow started to charged the gate and Grandma couldn't run backwards fast enough in her boots and the gate slammed into her and she went flying. Shes a tiny thing anyway. She army crawled out of the way and stood up and walked to the house. Grandma got to the house and she drank a cup of coffee, she said coffee cures anything. Once she decided that there was no curing this she changed outta her cow poop covered clothes and called me. I was sleeping late and my phone was charging in the other room. When I woke up I checked my voicemail and there's a message from my Grandma. A feeble little voice saying, "alfie, I need you" . I still feel guilty for sleeping late...
I called them back immediately and Grandpa said he was helping her change and they were headed to the er. I called mom and I jumped in the shower. Next phone call I get is Grandpa saying I need to call her an ambulance. I call 911 and send paramedics. I fly out to my car and mom and I beat the ambulance to the hospital. Hours later we discover that she has broke the ball off the ball and socket joint in her hip. She stays in the hospital over night and then Dr. Marty does surgery on it the next morning. He was able to fix the hip with 2 screws, said it was broke in just the right place and the surgery only took 13 minutes.
She stayed exactly one week in the hospital, they let her out yesterday. Shes a tough one. She says it doesn't hurt as bad as she thought. Although she is on some pain pills, she may feel differently in a couple days. I'm so glad she is home. Today was her first full day back at home and shes quite agile on her walker. I helped her take a shower, which makes me sad. She used to give me a shower when I was a pup and now its the other way around. Someone so active has to rely on everyone else. Its driving her crazy.
Grandpa is easily confused in his old age. Part of it I think is from not hearing well. When you don't hear the whole conversation you miss alot. He feels terrible for what happened and is helping all he can.
I'm exhausted from spending all my free time at the hospital and running errands. A big thank you to everyone for the prayers and support. Thank you for the phone calls, flowers, and cards it means a lot. She is healing quickly and I expect her to be back to normal in a couple months.

Always wash your hands

I've been traveling out of town a lot lately. I really enjoy leaving my habitat and seeing the world. However the world is full of yucky things like swine flu and other gross things. I have been washing my hands unusually often to try to prevent the swine flu or whatever they are calling it now.
I sought out a Wal-greens in Springfield while I was there yesterday. I was looking for some type of un-scented, dye free lotion to help heal my before mention tattoo. Becky, the tattoo girl, recommended lubaderm, or something plain. I thought this could also help for the ride home to moisturize my hotel hands until I get to my AVON back home.
For those of you who don't spend an enormous amount of time in a hotel, let me explain "hotel hands." Hotels use an outrageous quantity of starch and bleach product to keep their linens clean and crisp. Which don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the sanitation. However, that combined with the year round air conditioning really dries out your skin. Then working with a lot of paper will suck any remaining moisture out of your body. Its discus ting. My hands feel like paper towels.
OK, back to my original thought.
While wandering up and down the isles in the store I ran across an oddity. "EMU OIL!" That's right. emu oil. The first question of many was, "Is it made BY emus? Followed by "Is it FOR emus? Is it made FROM emus? and if indeed it was made from emu, then "from what part of the emu is the oil extracted?" On the shelf there was emu lip balm, soap, concentrate, lotion and capsules that contained the oil. The labels didn't explain much so I figured I would research it later.
Today, I am in St. Louis at the Hilton by the airport. Which is beautiful by the way. If I could figure a way to saw down one of their awesome chandeliers I would. Maybe I could borrow a ladder from maintenance....Mike would just hit his head on it anyway.....
None the less, the meeting coordinator job I do on the side has a lot of down time. A lot. Once I get all of the participants registered and checked into the conference, my job is to sit and wait at the registration table in the hallway. All day. The participants trickle out every now and then to go to the bathroom, so I can't crawl under the table and take a nap. I can leave every now and then to use the bathroom myself. For the most part I sit at my post and cruise the Internet or read.
I used the bathroom when I arrived at the crack of dawn. Really pretty bathroom. It was in the process of being cleaned. Its always good to know your butt is the first to touch a freshly Lysol'd seat. That is why it surprised me to see a hotel key card wrapped in toilet paper sitting on the metal casing of the toilet paper dispenser. When I took a closer look it was covered in what appeared to be shit. I mean that in a literal since. It was covered in human excrement. It was so gross. I guess someone dropped it in when they wiped and fished it out with toilet paper. After they retrieved it I guess they realized they didn't want to put it back in their pocket. They put it on the ledge and left it for dead.
I read on the wonders of emu oil on wikipedia. Apparently it cures Acne, dry scalp, baldness, sunburns, scraped, bruises , and it helps heal tattoos. I should have bought the stuff! I can't imagine it smells good. But it is in fact made from the fat of emus. It didn't say whether they give it voluntarily or they take it from them forcefully. Either way, now I know.
Fast forward to now. I'm sitting at my command post when a lady walks up to me and hands me a stack of papers. I take them from her and then I see on top of the papers is a Hotel key card. (You see where this is going?) I said, "oh here you might want this back." She says, "No, I found that in the bathroom stall. I bet someone is looking for it. I thought you could find out whose it is."


-Wash your hands.

ink

I spent my evening getting my foot tattooed. I dashed home from work and washed my feet, as any self respecting person would do. And about 2 hours later I was in the midst of the second most painful tattoo yet. (The first would have to be my hairdresser on my right side.) My boyfriends sister came along to keep me company. I was really glad she was there to distract me from having my foot sliced into.
The girl who did my new ink works at the One Eyed Blue Monkey and her name is Becky. I figure out right away that I like Becky. She's the kind of girl who you would accidentally sit next to in a bar and fall into conversation immediately. She uses profanity like painter uses paint. It seamlessly falls out in between words. She uses M-F'er like I've never heard before, like a verb to describe anything and everything. It's wonderful.
It hurt. Not gonna lie. Felt like a tattoo. Some parts more than others. I brought along a delicious iced tea from sonic. I didn't know how long I would be there and heaven forbid I de-hydrate. I took the straw out after we got started and I chewed on it the whole time to distract myself. By the time we finished it was nothing but a red nub.
The high light of the experience would have to be the lady getting tattooed in the next room over. She had her baby in her lap. Poor thing couldn't be more that a couple months old. The kid would fuss and she would prop her up on her lap and give her a bottle, the whole time while getting a fore arm piece. I stood there open mouthed for a while. Then her husband came. Then HE held the baby while he got his matching tattoo. They stopped once so he could go outside and smoke while still holding the newborn. At one point the mom said to the baby, "You better get used to it, I'm not done getting tattoos." All I got to say is WOW. Too bad the prize for parents of the year was already given out.

Lyrical debate

I have deiced that I hate that retarded Taylor Swift song. Juliet and romeo and a party and blah blah. No one cares. You know why no one cares? Because the damn song makes no sense! Especially the part that says, "You were Romeo I was the Scarlet Letter." Ok. The scarlet letter mean that you are an adulteress. NO WONDER your dad wants you to stay away from him! You are a hoe fo' sho.

The song goes on and on. Then it says how she doesn't see him for a long time and then when she does see him he says I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress. That is NOT how I remember Romeo and Juliet. They killed themselves for love. You just sat and cried to your daddy like the spoiled brat you are.

Another song that I completely do not understand is the Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree. Half of the lyrics I don't understand all...
"he said don't look back just keep on walking. When the big horse said Hey Lady. Said look this way will you marry me."
What? Seriously? Is this another one of those things I don't understand because I don't smoke pot? Why is this horse asking you to marry him? Is the horse a metaphor? If the horse is a metahphor then what does the cherry tree represent? Then it goes on ...
"And my heart hit a problem in the early hours, so I stopped it dead for a beat or two. But I cut some cord, and I shouldn't have done it. And it won't forgive me after all these years."
Why did you stop your heart? I personally try to keep mine beating at all times. It doesn't have a reset button like my dell. Oh wait, and now it won't forgive you. Isn't that just great. More importantly what does this have to do with a Big Black Horse OR a Cherry Tree. I just can't seem to piece it all together. Everytime I hear it on the radio I want to run my head into a wall.

upper lip

What is it that posses a man to grow and maintain a handlebar moustache? And how did it originate? One day some guy had a ridiculously long stache and said, "you know, I think this would look way better if I greased it up on the ends." I'm sure the guys wife disagreed, and tried to comb it down. But he prevailed! I still see them around in the world. There are at least 2 that come into work on a regular basis. I want to snip them off. Can you imagine the food and snot stuck into them? They have moustache wax made especially for such monstrosities. Apparently there are enough handlebars out there to support the product. They must be in hiding. Or on the movie set of old westerns.

I guess its the same part of the brain that makes people think mullets are ok for small children. Just because YOU rock a mullet doesn't make it ok for your kid to get his ass kicked on the playground. Sometimes the parents are mullet-free but the children have mullets. Even if your kid wanted a mullet, wouldn't you be embarrassed to be walking around with a kid who had an 80's mullet? I would try to loose him at wal-mart. Send him to another section of the store and run. I bet they would page you over the intercom, "will the owner of the mullet come to customer service?" I try to be PC when I type it into the technical notes in the computer. You can refer to it as a "bi-level". It actually means 2 haircuts crammed together as in two distinct levels. The only thing that would top the mullet would be a mullet WITH a handle bar moustache.

Ha hA!

Everyone else has a blog, why can't I? Not that my life is that exciting, but I figure someone out there might want to hear it. And if not at least I got it out on paper.



So, yesterday was my first day back at work from my fabulous vacation at the beach. Yay for the beach! Boo for work! My assistants had done a fair share of the necessary paper work but there was still a pile waiting for me. What paperwork could a hairstylist have, you say? Alot. And most of it is totally pointless. Mostly numbers that I recopy from form to form and fax from person to person. According to our new software updates- everyone can see the same numbers on there own personal computer. So why do I have to send it again? The hell if I know. None the less it creates a job for me so I go with it.

I have a size able group of people who are my regular clients. We call them "requests". Since I was on vacation they got all backed up and out of sync from their usual cycle. Most of them came in to see me on Friday and another group today. And for the most part I am glad to see them. They are so called friends that I see in sample servings. I spent the day having the same conversation with 20 different people. "Yes, I was on vacation." "No, I didn't want to come back to work." "Yes, I had a blast. Yes, I know I'm ridiclously tan. :)" Sometimes I feel like Ground hog Day. It's the same story over and over.